The 30-second Elevator Pitch

My entrepreneurship coach gave me some homework this week.  It was to write the "elevator pitch" for my next round of interviews.
Last year I worked on my resume and wrote both 30-second and 90-second versions of the pitch to use when I met potential employers.  Here's the short version:

I am a Software Engineer and development Project Lead. Most recently I worked at IBM Rational software as a Project Lead and Program Manager, where I led cross functional teams through development, maintenance and distribution of Rational ClearCase and ClearQuest. releases. While at IBM, I successfully built a solid, record of on time delivery and high quality results and significantly improved customer satisfaction ratings for these products.  I am currently looking for an opportunity to lead a product or test team in a software company or web services group.

I memorized it and while I probably didn't use it verbatim, it helped me to know what to say sometimes.
Now I have a different goal and I need to re-write the speech.  Last year I was looking for a job similar to the one I'd left.  This year I'm looking for contract work along the lines of what I'm doing now at Bit9.  Here's the new pitch.

I am a professional Software Test Engineer and have been a developer and Project Lead.  I currently work at Bit9 in Waltham where I handle UI and UX testing for the upcoming release of their product console.  In my previous job at IBM Rational software I led cross functional teams through development, test, maintenance and distribution of Rational ClearCase and ClearQuest service releases. I know how to deliver quality products on time.  I am currently looking for contract test or development work in a software company or web services group.

What do you think?